Yeti, WHO?! A Stanley Tumbler, Post Malone and the Mom Salad I Eat Way Too Often 

Recipe and Directions. Together. 

• Lettuce. This is the most important part. Put it in a bowl or on a plate. 
• What’s left on your kids’ plates? Take that and toss it on the lettuce. 
• Pick a dressing from your fridge. Drizzle it all over that salad. 

I know, I know. But hear me out:

• Spring mix 
• Cut up chicken nuggets 
• Cut up grapes 
• Cheese cubes
• Chopped almonds
• Blush wine vinaigrette (I dig this one from Briannas* (not sponsored, just a fan)) 

Oooor. 

• Romaine 
• Thinly sliced cheese quesadilla triangles 
• Caesar dressing (this one—in the produce section—again, not sponsored, but you can really ruin a salad with shitty dressing) 

How about… 

• Iceberg 
• Whatever fruits and vegetables are left from the cutesy lion head you made to try to get them to eat fruits and vegetables 
• Plus the cheese that was part of that lion head 
• ADD: some small batch artisanal croutons 
• Balsamic (perhaps this one from Panera… also in the produce section at the grocery store…  just trying to set you up for success.) 

*Briannas, if you’re out there, I have a question for you. No apostrophe. Are there multiple Briannas?

The Story

I just got a text about an upcoming Stanley and Post Malone collab. I’ll bite. What’s it look like? A tie-dyed emotional support tumbler that smells vaguely like Coachella and regret? I’m intrigued. I click. And then I think: Who else is even in Stanley’s rolodex these days? The Pope? Martha Stewart? The ghost of Steve Irwin? Honestly, it’s like every 15 minutes they’re announcing a new “limited drop” and my kitchen cabinets have another anxiety attack waiting for my daughter to demand to force another stainless steel vessel into their shelves.

Anyway, in the spirit of unnecessary collaborations that somehow end up making sense I’m sharing my own collab, which is the Salad x Kid Leftover collab.

It’s just like a Stanley collab. Nobody asked for it, but there’s a bunch of stuff falling out of the cabinets so we might as well throw it together. 

As we’re on the topic, I’ll share the story of my daughter’s first Stanley. It went something like this: 

Girl child: I need a new water bottle. I need a Stanley.
Essie: Say what?
GC: A Stanley. I need a Stanley water bottle.
E: You mean… like a thermos?! Where is this coming from?
GC: Everyone at my school has one. The teachers have them too.
E: Hun. I don’t know what’s going on, but someone must have found their grandfather’s old lunch thermos and brought it to school and then everyone caught on.
GC: No, Mommy, that’s not it. Everyone has one and I need one too. 

Of course she needs one. I swear. I hadn’t seen them. I was thoroughly confused. This was the only thing I knew of Stanley: 

So wasn’t I surprised when I googled Stanley to see if I had missed something. I had, indeed, missed something. 

This was peak Stanley season. The summer Stanley turned pretty, if you will. And so the availability wasn’t exactly overflowing. Plus it was still a little COVIDey which added a level of difficulty. I had to really search for something that was on her list of approved colors AND under $80. For a water bottle. Oy. Anyway, I did find one. A 30 oz rose quartz tumbler for $60. The kitchen cabinets haven’t been the same since. 

As I wrap this up, what I find myself dwelling on is that Stanley really missed an opportunity for their first three way collab Stanley x Post Malone x Olive Garden.