Transforming Broccoli: The Best Broccoli Salad Recipe Ever

Delicious Broccoli Salad Recipe

• Dressing:
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 cup mayonnaise (I prefer Hellmann’s)
• 1.5 tablespoons Montreal Steak Seasoning

Mix dressing ingredients together in a jar. Shake well and set aside.

• Broccoli florets, cut on the small side; about two heads worth
• 1/3 cup finely diced red onion
• 1 cup crumbled bacon (cooked crispy)
• 1 cup dried cranberries
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Combine remaining ingredients. Pour dressing over salad and stir well.

Note: it’s best to allow the dressing time for the seasoning and sugar to dissolve (30 min. or so. You can make the dressing ahead of time, or just allow the final salad to sit for a bit.)

Delicious Story About Broccoli Salad (buckle up)

As a child, I remember sitting at the dinner table, crying and carrying on that I didn’t want to eat broccoli. It was horrible. Why were my parents punishing me like this? In fairness to me, my mother was terrible at cooking vegetables. In fairness to broccoli, you wouldn’t be good either if you were boiled to mush. It’s not broccoli’s fault.

What changed my mind on broccoli, you ask? Was it becoming an adult and a change in my taste buds? No. Was it pouring maple syrup over my broccoli every time I eat it? Also no. Do I still hate broccoli to this day and I’m just trying to gaslight other people into liking broccoli by calling this a delicious broccoli salad recipe? No, silly. Of course not.

I was about nine years old when I cried my last cry over broccoli. I sobbed and sobbed so hard. My parents said I would have to sit at the dinner table until I finished my broccoli. I cried so hard that I lost all my energy. My head in my hands, elbows on the table, my eyes started to close. I tried to stay awake; who wants to sleep at the dinner table? But eventually I nodded off.

Before I knew it, I was being gently shaken awake. I thought it must be my mom or dad getting ready to take me to bed, but when I looked up I saw a woman I didn’t recognize. She was dressed in a green ball gown. Her hair, a beautiful, stylish afro. Green. It was my Fairy Broccoli Mother.

“Don’t cry, my child,” she said. “It takes many children time to grow to love my harvests. If I’m being honest, there are even some adults who, to this day, don’t like my harvests. I had been making some real headway, when damn if that George H. W. Bush didn’t come out and proclaim his disgust for broccoli. What kind of grown man sets an example like that?!”

I just stared at her, not knowing what to say. Part of me was just in awe of her beauty — not to mention the fact that I even had a Fairy Broccoli Mother. Another part of me didn’t want to let her know that I “voted” for George H. W. Bush in our pretend school election because of fake news. The rumor that Dukakis was going to extend the school day spread like wildfire; faster than Hilary Clinton could stock her pizza parlor basement with wayfair cabinets filled with children! Poor Michael Dukakis didn’t stand a chance at West Road Elementary School.

“I VOTED FOR HIM, I’M SO SORRY,” I blurted out. What the hell was wrong with me?! What had I just done?! My face, slowly turning red. The opposite color of broccoli.

I could tell she hadn’t expected me to say that. I hadn’t expected me to say that either. She paused for a moment and then softly laughed just a little. And then laughed some more until I thought I was beginning to see green tears run down her soft green skin. “Don’t worry, sweet child, I forgive you.” I was so relieved.

Once the mood had settled, she told me it was time to go back to sleep. She made me a cup of warm chamomile tea with honey to help me sleep. And as I sipped it, she made a deal with me. She said that if I would give broccoli a fair shot, she would share with me the best broccoli salad recipe in the world that would eventually bring me fame, fortune and happiness. Well, who could pass that offer up? “Why would you give that to me,” I asked. “Well, my darling, this broccoli salad is so good that it will make anyone who tries it love broccoli,” she replied. “Maybe one day, you can even get George H. W. Bush to try it.” I asked her if that was a requirement for the deal (it seemed like a pretty big ask for such a small girl), and she assured me it wasn’t, so I accepted the deal.

I never was able to make my plea to President Bush, but I was able to reach the Clintons and Gores.

Over the years, I’ve always tried to make an effort when it comes to our US presidents. I suppose a part of me hopes it can make up for voting for Bush in the third grade. I’ve made some real strides, but I certainly do wish that I could have gotten President Bush to try the best broccoli salad in the world. I know it would have changed his mind.

Q & A on this broccoli salad: 

Is this a vegetarian recipe? 

Nope. It’s an excellent source of vegetables and vitamins, but it’s not a vegetarian recipe. If you left the bacon out, it could be a vegetarian recipe. 

So if you leave the bacon out, is it a vegan recipe? 

Nope, it’s not a vegan recipe either. If you left the bacon out and used some sort of soy cheese substitute and a vegan mayo, then it could be a vegan recipe. But would you even want to eat it at that point? 

It is gluten free? 

Hell yeah, it’s gluten free! Do you even know what gluten is? 

What’s gluten? 

Gluten is a protein found in grains such as oats, wheat, barley and rye. Ain’t no grains in this broccoli salad. You know where you can find some grains and some gluten though? In my tasty energy bites! Check them out!  

Is it really the best broccoli salad recipe on earth? 

I haven’t had a better broccoli salad to date, but I will alert you promptly should I ever try one. 

Should I alert you if I try a better broccoli salad? 

Uhm, yeah. You def should. Don’t keep secrets like that.